So I'm getting really excited about the Spring Retreat in a few weeks. It was one of those things that just popped out almost fully formed - I sat down to work on it over the weekend and it was just there, like a delicious little donut on a vintage plate under glass. I guess it had been pulling itself together under the radar for months and months while I was busy wondering when I would finally be ready, while I was wondering who the hell I am to offer such a thing, while I was wondering who, if not me, would fold all this laundry.
I was talking to my mom yesterday, telling her about it, and about other plans and ideas and events already brewing. I was feeling good, feeling inspired - my mindself was doing that hoppy-punchy- boxing move, you've seen that, right? So I tell my mom about what the retreat is (she's never been to a retreat of any kind), who it's for, what need it's addressing. Basically I'm justifying its right to exist, and I'm just doing this automatically. Like another donut, fully formed, but this one is stale and mealy and frosted with disappointment. And my mom says, simplifying things, trying heroically to understand, 'So it's a retreat about balance?' I answer that, um, that's part of it, sure. 'And you are qualified to teach others about balance exactly how?'
Hehe.
Yeah...
I took a second. I laughed, because, of course she nailed it. Calling out the Fraud, the little Girl (for a split second I felt maybe 8 years old), the Black Sheep (Nina's doing what now?) - my family is incredibly adept and gathering all these inner characters together to just stare at me from behind my eyes.
Well, shit, okay. Qualification of my qualifications; I wanted to remind her of all my certifications, all my years of practice, all the books I've read, the seminars I've completed, the podcasts I've listened to, the clients I've helped. Yeah, aaaalllll that. I wanted to enlighten her.
I wanted to lay out for her exactly why I am allowed to be here, why I think I deserve this seat at the table, but I didn't.
Because wait, this is actually one of the core things I want to bring, right? That you are enough. I am enough. The very best we can offer this world is our whole selves, I know this to be true. I am bringing my gifts and I am bringing my flaws. I do not have to be perfect to teach about honoring our imperfection. I do not have to be perfectly balanced to offer perspectives that bring more balance to others. I'm not selling solutions, I am connecting people to their truth, and that's a lot messier. Every day I understand that a little bit better.
Every year that passes the more aware I am of all that I don't know. The more humbled I feel. I made a New Years' Resolution about 4 years ago to work on being less controlling, and Life was more than happy to provide one experience after another to remind me of all that I cannot possibly control. (Like, really and truly kicked my ass, so be careful with that one!) And yet all that humbling has opened so many doors of truth, of connection, of compassion, and yes, of wisdom. (I tried not to whisper that last one.) And being better at connection, at compassion, at vigilantly checking my judgement, that has made me better at what I do. My flaws, my wounds, and Life's uncanny ability to pull them out, to set them on the table for display, for seeing, for healing: that has been the deepest qualification I have acquired.
One thing I know to be true, what qualifies you to be and offer the world whatever your have, whatever you are, is your heart-led striving to be that. Whatever your imperfections, whatever your setbacks, if you are striving to be true to yourself and to this world, I want you at the table. I'll save you a seat.